This is the real me.

I’d rather live my life accepting that I’m not perfect, than spending my whole life pretending to be.

I love my parents more than anything and I can not think of a better night than to hang out with my family.

I love writing.

I have always wanted to go out of the country.

Ever since I was 2 I have had a baby blanket that I slept with until I was 13. I only put it away, because it was so tattered that I was scared that it would fall apart.

I feel like I need to be cooler, but I never know how.

I have been in a lot of trouble before, but it has made me who I am today.

I have a severe fear of sneezing. It's mostly the germ thing.

I have to force myself to go to class because high school drains me. I work two jobs and I go to school full time with an early morning class.

My dog means a lot to me, she saved my life and now it is my mission to save hers.

My sister is amazing and I never give her enough credit. I guess I make fun of her because I am jealous she is doing so good when I wasn't at that age.

I turned all of my homework in for the first time since 6th grade for this term.

I am scared that I will be a horrible mother, but then I second guess myself because I take care of people for a living. I am scared to be in charge of children and be responsible for there success.

I have have been influenced by Madeline McEwan, Reagan Curtis, Amber Tillotson, and Breanna Meyer. Whether they know it or not, they have changed my life in the past year at one time or another.

I love the beach but have only gone to a coast beach 3 times.

I love a certain boy.

I love being appreciated. It just makes me know that what I am doing is worth my time.

Homework gets harder and harder ever day. I just loose a minute everyday. I get way too busy.

I know what I should do, but I am scared to do it. I feel like I would fail.

I did not take a math class this year in fear of failing. I am not good at math.

I feel like I have a lot of responsibility, and I feel like I take on too much, and then I can not handle it because I overload myself.

I am in 13 clubs this year, and a leader position in more than half of them.

I am doing an internship with the person that made the sets for walking dead.

(the next few are going to give me away)

I am a CNA.

I hate Highschool because I am always judged.

I got engaged November 19th.

I love my nephew more than anything and I can not imaging loving my kinds more than that.

I miss my CNA teacher, but I love working as a CNA more.

I am getting married May 23rd.

I love helping people through hard times.

I've had an eating disorder since I was 8 years old, and no one knows about it.

I love hiding behind this pen name

But it is time to be the real me.

The pain that made it worth it.

I remember telling you that you were dependent. I didn't know how to admit that I was dependent too, and I just was trying to make it hurt less to not see you for a little while. I knew it had to be done, and it hurt.

I remember seeing you hurt for days. I hated what I had done. You couldn't control yourself, but in secret, the me you couldn't see, I was breaking too. I cried every night. I couldn't text you when I was hurting, and I didn't have anyone to turn to when I didn't want to do it anymore. I hurted in quiet so that I could be strong for you.

I remember the day you left. I didn't want to let you go. I knew this was goodbye for a while and I remember crying the whole day at school, and the WHOLE night before. I couldn't think of not even talking to or seeing you. It hurt. You were my everything and I just wanted you to get better.

I remember when I made a bad decision. I had a promise and it was my fault. I hurt you and you didn't even know it. I remember thinking every night what you were doing and being sad because I was doing nothing to add up to what you were doing... I had broke promises, friendships, values, and my REAL feelings. I was tired of doing it on my own.

I remember when you wanted to see me so bad you broke the rules for me. I got that call and I panicked. I remember Sitting there and writing anything  I couldn't to make everyone happy. I felt like I couldn't say what I wanted to say. I didn't want to be mean. I had to. I missed you.

I remember looking at the pictures I got of you for hours every chance I got.

I remember when you got home. I wanted to wait until you texted me first, but I couldn't wait. I had to. "Hey you" "I heard you were back, How are you doing" I thought I was keeping my cool pretty well, even though I was all butterflies everywhere, and so happy I couldn't even speak the whole day. We texted and you were doing way better than I was..

I remember when we talked about everything. I was terrified, but I owed it to you. I missed you and I wanted this to work more than anything I have ever wanted. I said everything that had happened, and I was completely truthful. I can;t believe you were home still.

I remember all the time we hung out, or the dates we went on, and I loved every second of them. I went home every time and just melted. I couldn't believe the best thing that has every happened to me still cared about me.

I remember the time you told me you stilled loved me. I was so happy I started tearing up. I loved talking to you and I could do it all night long if you would let me.

I remember when we got back together, It was hard, and I did everything I could and knew how to make it work. I tried everything I could to be the best one to you. I loved you and I wanted to prove it to you. I remember it all being worth it.

I remember the late nights, the tricky situations, and the long talks. I would not trade it for the world because you are worth every second of pain I have ever been through. I am so happy to be together again and never leave again. I remember all of our good memories and one more to come.

I remember YOU Mr. Perfect. <3<3

Cold

 I  feel like  I need a blanket but  it is not my body that is cold.

The Things I Never Have Had Time To Say

To the girl that is Too Naive, honey, they are going to hurt you over and over, but I will be here to catch you EVERY time. You are growing up fast, and I will teach you how to breath when it's are and I will teach you to live when life doesn't care anymore. You are worth the sleepless nights, and tear filled days.You are always there for me and I want to do the same. You are worth getting outside of your abyss, out of the hell you are in. I will be there. Relationships never break cleanly. Like a valuable vase, they are smashed and then glued back together, smashed and glued, smashed and glued until the pieces just don't fit together anymore. You call me saving grace, but think again honey, You. Are. My. Saving. Grace.

To the drama girl who Saved My Life. What you don't know is I was done. You said "Hello" and light was shed on my life and you showed me that people cared. When I look in your eyes, I see grace. So passionate, we became friends. How? Hello. Hello to you too. Hello to a new life, and hello to more friends. You changed my life.

To the Boy with the Bennie, Why gray? Because I gave you that gray Bennie and every time you wear it, it reminds me of the mistakes I've made. You being one of them. Can you just leaving my saving grace alone? She is hurting and all you do is smash her over and over again. Yeah sometimes, I am mean, but what I do will never compare what you did to me and the people I love. If people even knew the truth about you... If they only knew what you did. I stay quiet because we were friends and friends don't screw you over right? Oh wait, maybe I am exempt, because you seem to think so. Up yours buddy.

To the GIRL that can't accept herself. You are never happy and it is hard, but you know what? I still love you. Telling your parents will be easier, but I know its hard. I've been in a similar position. You know that you can be happy and I think you are holing on because you know that you want to be happy being the real you. You are a great actress, After all I didn't really know you until this year. Until Friday October 10th. People care about you, but you need to understand other people too. I will care to understand when you care to understand me. In the mean time, I am here for you.

To The Man who thinks he knows the Best for me. Screw you. The end.

To the Woman that I'm Awkward around. I love you to the Moon and back, You are so nice, but if you even know what I have done... I love being around your family, and I WISH I WAS YOU. I want to grow up and be your clone. Your perfection in intimidating. You cook perfectly, you have a perfect smile, you dress perfectly, you look perfect, you walk perfectly, and love perfect, and you are perfectly imperfect. I can't wait to be closer with you.

To the Boy the means more to Me than Me. Why you love me I don't know, but I love every second of it. We get judged, we get talked to, but we are strong and we are us. I know I always say this, but I love you. I could say that as much as you would like. We are silly, but we are us. I don't have much that I don't say to you, because I always tell you what I think. Love you.

To Ellen my Idol. I love you, and I wish to meet you some day.

To the Little Brother that doesn't Care. REALITY CHECK, you should care. Wearing sweat pants for the rest of your life will get you no where. Oh wait, yes it will, it will get you made fun of, but if that is what you want, go ahead. I tell you to change every morning because I know how it is to grow up being made fun of and I don't want that to happen to you. I know it is comfortable, but it makes me uncomfortable. The End...

To the Teacher that Hates me. I know you don't approve of my decisions and life style. Don't be rude. You are the reason that I can't wait to be out of this hell hole. <3<3

To ME. Yup, this is weird. I will just get it over with.. You do have talents, even though you think you don't Realize that people love you, and they want to help. Don't stress, everything will work out, and you will be happy. You are tired. Sleep more. You are Sad. Find happiness. You are happy. Keep doing what makes you happy. You are poor. Work more. You are interested. Read more.



-Yours Truly<3<3<3 XOXO Ash.

A little too Naive

    There have been those time where my heart has saved me. When all that was keeping me alive was the blood pumping through my heart. That relentless bastard. Now looking back, I am thankful that I was saved because I could not enjoy the sun never refusing to shine, the way our eyes meet and we smile, the time we got caught being a little too naive.

    Those time where even breathing took all of my energy and it was all I could do to stay alive. The times when i couldn't even stay in the same room my heart just couldn't take it. The days my heart could do noting but bleed through the page of my journal.

    What I didn't understand is I have people on my side and not yours. It may have taken me a few fights, falls and bruises but because of them, I have my own whole army. Him, mom, lion, BCS, angel, dad, Ky, 2 face, and the list goes on and on. They are here to catch me when my firm ground is all burnt down. 

    Grace in their eyes. My saving grace. For once I am saved and for once I like it. Save me and never let go. I have things I want to do and dreams I want to accomplish. I just need a boost and a hand to hold on along the way. My saving grace is you. The person that says hi to me, the person that shows up at 3 am. The person that goes to Hawaii and still is helping you from that distance. 

Grace is a runner 

Every night she sets off alone 

Mile after mile 

Each stride farther from home 

Her pace never changes 

The peace she finds 

It never takes hold 

Why does she feel so alone 

No one really noticed 

Never bothered 

To see the signs 

Why does he choose 

To be blind 

Pushed ever farther 

Doesn't matter 

What she may want 

Just tear out your heart 

And go home 

Her minds always racing 

She knows she must 

Leave him behind 

The crushing weight 

Escapes with a sigh 

Grace is a runner 

No longer does she 

Set of alone 

Now each stride she takes 

Is toward home

Dear Heart, PS: Thank you for never giving up on me. I know I was tuff.

The Moon Together

The Moon means something to me and little do you know is that when we talk, I think of the moon.

 It was my hope over the summer.

 It was my release. 

Every week I talked to you as if you were talking to me too.

I knew that somewhere, you were looking at the same moon and telling me about your week. 

We were connected through the moon.

Northern Downpour

If all our life is but a dream

Fantastic posing greed

Then we should feed our jewelry to the sea

For diamonds do appear to be

Just like broken glass to me

And then she said she can't believe

Genius only comes along

In storms of fabled foreign tongues

Tripping eyes, and flooded lungs

Northern downpour sends its love

Hey moon, please forget to fall down

Hey moon, don't you go down

Sugarcane in the easy mornin'

Weathervanes my one and lonely

The ink is running toward the page

It's chasin' off the days

Look back at both feet

And that winding knee

I missed your skin when you were east

You clicked your heels and wished for me

Through playful lips made of yarn

That fragile Capricorn

Unraveled words like moths upon old scarves

I know the world's a broken bone

But melt your headaches, call it home

Hey moon, please forget to fall down

Hey moon, don't you go down

Sugarcane in the easy mornin'

Weathervanes my one and lonely

[x3]

Sugarcane (hey moon) in

(Hey moon) the easy mornin'

Weathervanes (hey moon) my

(Hey moon) one and lonely

Sugarcane (hey moon) in (hey moon)

The easy (hey moon) mornin'

Weathervanes (hey moon) my (hey moon)

One (hey moon) and lonely

[Continues in background:]

Sugarcane (hey moon) in (hey moon)

The easy (hey moon) mornin'

Weathervanes (hey moon) my (hey moon)

One (hey moon) and lonely

Hey moon, please forget to fall down

Hey moon, don't you go down

You are at the top of my lungs

Drawn to the ones who never yawn

I Can Not Rise And See The Morning

When I close my eyes I can't help but think that so profound is the stillness. How heavy the darkness. 

Death is where innocent mind should not wander, but I HAVE GROWN UP ON THE SOUND OF CRYING.

Crying because they don't understand. 

Crying because they found out. 

Crying because they know.

Crying because they forgot. 

I have starred death in the face and my fear of living is greater than my fear of dying. I now fear nothing but life itself. Life is not when your heart stops beating, it's when your heart doesn't have a reason to beat.

I can't rise and see the morning, because light has been taken from me. The skies still black, and the air still quiet, I somehow find a speck of light. HELL surrounds me. With my hand outstretched towards my hope. I hold onto dear life because you are my hope and my faith. 

"How are you?"

"Let's talk." 

"I'll hold you."

"Everything will be okay."

You are my hope. The light in my dark. The hands that hold my broken heart together.

'till "DEATH" do we part.