The Stalker’s Guide to Confessions

Be Honest. Here you go:

• I had a severe eating disorder 
• My parents push me to be something I'm not 
• Even though my parent know everything I still feel like I have to sneak around them 
• My friends always say that I'm so "pretty" but everyday, walking in the hallways I'm laughed at. 
• I've Lied 
• I feel invisable at school 
• I have this friend who loves people knowing how amazing she is. I cannot stand it. She makes me feel like shit and she knows that, it's always a competition to her and she always gets her way. But I still love her. 
• I've been told by one of my very good friends that if I killed myself, the only difference would be that there would be no drama, and everybody would be happier. 
• I'm in love with a guy who can't say I love you yet, and it is my fault. He is the only one who makes me smile until my cheeks hurt, and laugh so hard that I can't talk. 
• People consider me as a "Loner" because if I don't have at least one friend by me, I feel like I'm going to fall over and I'll die because of the lack of self-confidence. 
• I have a severe addiction to New Girl the TV show.

• I have wanted to die. 
• My friends cannot be trusted with anything. It's always a show to see who can turn one person against another... Usually me being the target. I can only trust my boyfriend. 
• I say I love you to my mom every night, just in case anything happens. 
• I turn my big mirror around in my room at night because i don't want to wake up and have to see myself. 
• I hope for the best and expect the worst. 
• I get sad and cry for no reason and I absolutely hate that because I have so much in my life to smile about, and all I do is get sad over the dumbest things.  
• I am jealous of the popular girls. 
• I've cheated. 
• I get very depressed and don't tell anyone. 
• I'm 17 and I can't see my future with anyone else but my boyfriend. He is my best friend. 
• Music helps me sleep
• I go on diets way too often and don't tell anyone. 
• I feel like my faith has nearly evaporated. 
• I cry.

• My job is mentally draining. 
• I love my parents more than anything, even though I always make fun of them and put up a front. 
• I don't know everything. 
• I absolutely hate this one person. 
• I love writing. 
• I Love creative writing and I take it too seriously. 
• I have grown up going to church and I am not sure if I quite believe everything it stands for. 
• I work on Sundays just so that I don't have to go to church and feel like a bad person the whole time. 
• I like wearing mens socks. 
• I talk in my sleep. 
• My best friend is 34 years old and a teacher. She gives the best advice, and I just want her to get married already.

I Have Thrown Bricks Too

My life is That wall that everyone runs into and just crumbles. Try to climb my wall and you will get hurt. Sorry hunny, but my life has been hard. I mean why does it have to be brick we throw at eachother? Can't it be something nice? No? Okay..

I threw bricks at you:

• When I broke your heart
• When I kissed someone else
• When I called you a slut
• When I said I was it was okay and it wasn't
• When I was young
• When I said I hated you
• When I hit you
• When I didn;t know what to say
• When I didn't forgive you
• When I rushed you
• When you came back..

I've thrown bricks at myself:

• When I had anorexia
• When I went to fast
• When I stressed myself out
• When I loved to deeply
• When I said NO
• When I convinced myself I was fine
• When I didn't tell someone
• When I needed someone to talk to and was quiet
• When I was harming to myself
• When I took too much on
• When I said yes
• When I cheated on you
• When I couldn't forgive myself
• When I was alone
• When I tried too hard

You have thrown bricks at me:

• When you said you "loved" me
• When you abused me
• When you liked her
• When you raped me
• When you kicked me
• When you didn'at talk to me
• When I couldn't see you for two months
• When you used me
• When I couldn't be myself
• When you said I was too fat
• When you said I wouldn't be able to make it anywhere in life
• When you comitted suicide
• When you said you were my "friend"
• When I tried to hard.
• When you yelled at me for loving too early

Heart

“Behind these eyes

there is a girl trapped within

her pain – a girl feeling all the emotions

of anger and sadness.

She’s fighting for a way out.”

“Love never dies a 

natural death.

It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness,

of witherings, of tarnishings.”

“It would be too easy to say that I feel invisible. Instead, I feel painfully visible, and entirely ignored.”

XOXO- ASH

100 reasons why I love him:

This describes us.

• He makes me smile 
• He brings out all the best in me 
• He has great sense of humour 
• His room is messy. 
• He has dimples. 
• He taught me how to love again 
• He works hard 
• How he hugs me 
• How special it was when we had a crush on each other 
• The randomness of his room 
• I like tickling him 
• He uses smiley faces when he texts me 
• He asks me to trust him, and he trusts me 
• He said he's afraid of losing me 
• He forgave me... 
• He said we will never break up 
• He often says "I'm sorry" when I say "I love you" (I don't even know don't ask me) 
• He is older than me. 
• We are children 
• He's special to me 
• I like how he loves little children 
• He comforts me when I'm feeling down 
• The way our hands fit together 
• He is honest with me. 
• He's so caring 
• I fit perfectly in his arms 
• He thinks that I'm different from others♥ 
• We build forts and eat ice cream in them 
• We listen to country music 
• We talk like we are married 
• The way he looks at me 
• How nice he is to me 
• He likes taking pictures to "capture the moment" 
• He is a bad texter 
• His farmers tan line. HA 
• He makes sure I'm healthy 
• He's adorable 
• He listens to me say "I love you" 
• We fight over the big cookie pieces in the cookies and cream ice cream. 
• We laugh at stupid stuff. 
• We sleep too long sometimes 
• I love his family 
• He cares what my parents think about him 
• He makes my cold hands into warm ones 
• He calls me baby 
• Every time i receive a text from him i smile 
• The way we cuddle EVERYWHERE 
• He likes my dog 
• The way he holds my hand 
• When I'm halfway through this its not hard for me to write 
• He gets jealous easily 
• He likes asking whether I'm okay or not 
• He is 5 minutes away 
• He thinks I'm pretty when I'm at my worst 
• He likes smelling my hair 
• How he worries about me 
• I won't feel awkward when I'm with him and his friend 
• Every love song reminds me of him 
• He makes me feel safe<<<<<<<<<<< 
• He makes us talk about stuff 
• My mom noticed that I'm in love when I'm with him 
• He makes me feel shy and makes me blush every time I'm with him 
• How he told his friends he's serious towards me 
• He cried because of me 
• The way he makes everything okay 
• I get excited when i see him 
• We have fought, but me made it through 
• He's my best friend and my boyfriend 
• How he wants the best for me 
• He knows when to laugh and when to cry 
• He likes my smile 
• He calls me sweet and pretty instead of sexy :) 
• His mom said that I'm pretty once upon a time 
• I accept him for who he is 
• When he said that I'm his everything 
• He likes putting his arm around my waist 
• I love our fake arguments 
• We have promise rings 
• We make funny faces at each other 
• We are going to get married. 
• Our memories 
• He makes me smile like I've never smiled before 
• He's one in a million 
• He is humble 
• He likes my profession 
• He talks to me until all issues are resolved 
• He calls me his baby girl 
• He goes to sleep late, wakes up and and sometimes sleeps half the day away. 
• He is willing to help my dad whenever 
• How we joke about stupid things 
• He feels sad whenever I'm sad 
• He asks for hugs all the time 
• We have been scared together 
• He is him 
• How he thinks too much 
• He wanted me so much and he was scared, but did it anyway. 
• He turns my life upside down 
• He is my life 
• Because I love him

_Writing_is_my_Release_

This is to the Dumb ass that says Creative writing is not a real class.. Screw you. This class means everything to me because I can be me. I am not taught to be perfect. I can be creative and artistic. I don't have to worry about messing up, because NO ONE IS PERFECT.

For me, I love putting my pen to the paper, and letting the ink run all over, setting free all of my ideas, my dreams, and my worries. I can become lost in the excitement that only I can create. For me, creative writing is my main form of emotional release. It is my way of speaking without ever having to open my mouth. The ability to create my own release with merely a ballpoint pen and a blank sheet of paper is the greatest gift I could have, a talent that I find to be the most entertaining.

So, for you who think you could teach anything better than being yourself, screw you. I am not perfect so don't tell me what I have to write, or how I need to write it. Nelson shows us to be ourselves, and to become who you want to be. Did you ever take into consideration that I am not good at writing? That I don't like to work on Vocabulary? Yeah. I thought not. I like being in my own little Paris every class period. I like writing about what I feel and being myself. 

Next time think again. Creative Writing is my release, not your joke. 

XOXO- Ash

Things I should have said:

• Telling people you're just tired, when you are sick
• "You make me uncomfortable"
• "I love you"
• "I am just the way I am"
• "This is all too much for me"
• "you are being rude"
• "I can do that, No Problem"
• "Yeah, so I enjoy writing. So what?"
• "Just because I’m young it doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m talking about."
• "I really have no idea what I’m doing right now."
• "I love you mom"
• "Mr. Nelson, you are the best teacher, but you scare me"
• "I need help"
• "Oh, shut up already and grow up, everybody."
• "I've been hurt"
• "Please don't give up"
• "Thank you"
• "I forgive you"
• "If you tell a truth it becomes a part of your past, if you tell a lie it becomes a part of your future." 

Mr. Perfect

      Me: Why do I fit so perfectly in your arms?

      Him: Maybe you were made that way.

      It was spontaneous. It was perfect.

      Yeah I just came inside from that... Now back to reality. Because I can not get him out of my mind, here is to you Mr. Perfect.

      There are always reasons for loving people. But its not generally the things listed. People love each other more often because of compatible personalities. It is most often phrased as "he/she just gets me" as in, they understand you. This would mean that talking together is a pleasant experience, you can be totally relaxed in their company, and you aren't afriad of them judging you negatively, because they know you well enough to understand the deisions you make, and why you make them. Even if a decision is a mistake, they won't bother you, but will try to help instead.

      People try a lot to control their minds and remove bad qualities; Still they don't succeed; But, I observed that by only once falling in love, my mind was purified to a level which would have been very difficult to achieve by myself.

♥because he is him ♥ he's special ♥ he's amazing ♥ I can be myself around him ♥ I can talk to him about anything ♥ he cares about me ♥ he loves me ♥ he trusts me and I trust him ♥ he's funny 

♥ he's crazy ♥ he's loyal ♥ he's honest ♥ he's my dream ♥ he takes my breath away ♥ no guy makes me nervous but him ♥ I can't explain him in words because he is him 

♥ there's no reason but him ♥ he is the reason I love him ♥

Yes. Cliché I know. I talked about love. Get over yourself. 

My True Colors Are Starting To Get Loud

It is sad to me that we only show 10% of who we actually are at school. Imagine a world where we showed 100% of who we rfeally are. Though it may be a little cray, at least we were true to ourselves. I know for a fact I show only about 3% of who I really am in class. Especially in this class. I am scared of what you all might think of me. I nervous that people will judge. Yes. I am the one who still puts my arm over what I am writing in class so that no one can get into my head. Yes I close my journal as fast as I can and shove it in my backpack, so that those people who are "out to get me" don't read it. 

Maybe it was just me being paranoid, or maybe I am scared you will see my true colors. Well do you want to see what my colors are? What I think? Here you go. Judge all you want. You don't know who I am.

RED:

• danger
• energy
• hate
• love
• madness
• sexuality
• courage
• suffering
• violence

YELLOW:

• signal
• uncertainty
• confidence
• expression
• forgiveness
• inspiration
• power
• laughter
• young

BLUE:

• authority
• self control
• cleanliness
• order
• confidence
• depression
• dignity
• honesty
• logic
• intelligence

WHITE:

• clean
• pure
• lie
• happy
• calm
• schedule
• where?
• year
• lost

GREEN:

• adventure
• peaceful
• comfort
• environment
• faith
• freedom
• good luck
• grass
• growth
• health

• pain
• sin
• passion
• rage
• beauty
• rescue
• aggression
• battle
• warmth

• logic
• caution
• light
• optimism
• happiness
• satisfaction
• uncertainty
• brightness
• warning

• loyalty
• trust
• quietness
• responsibility
• sadness
• depth
• security
• calmness
• hope
• value

• order
• exact
• hiding
• daydream
• not me
• old
• weird
• gorgeous
• elegant

• laziness
• life
• nature
• progress
• quietness
• relaxation
• renewal
• reproduction
• safety
• sincerity